Hi, my name is Satan, I'll be your server tonight.

I meet S, a budding sommelier, in Denver. Many of my favorite places are closed on Sundays, so we decide to try NoRTH. S has a talented palate, and has just come out of som class, so her nose is on fire – during dinner, she catches me mixing up Barbera and Nebbiolo. Whoops! Reminds me of the time some hoity-toity wine critic was asked if he’d ever mistaken Burgundy for Bordeaux – his reply was a cheery “Not since Lunch!”

NoRTH in Cherry Creek, bills itself as “a contemporary approach to Modern Italian Cuisine.” More honest, in my opinion, would be “A cynical and focus-group tested grab bag of comfort-food values, all wrapped up in an Italianate romanticism.” But maybe I’m being too nice … because on top of all this, it’s part of a chain.

In deference to our server, he wasn’t as bad as the title to this post implies – he was polite and well-trained. So well-trained, in fact, that we overheard him parroting the exact same greeting, intro lines and segue into the drink order with each table. That’s not just training, that’s indoctrination. The recitation of specials was a study in perfect, terrifying consistency. Every time he visited our table, we just shook our heads in disbelief. A-mazing.

The menu looks like the result of a mid-American focus group’s idea of Italian cooking. It has all the usual suspects. Meatballs? Please. Breaded and fried calamari is so ubiquitous to be a joke, even if it is tasty. The NoRTH “bruschetta” has not much more than the name in common with any bruschetta I’ve had in Italy. The zucca chips app (pumpkin chips) has a parenthetic “Yum!” on the menu – pathetic. Pizza – sure, that’s Italian … but these are pale copies of Wolfgang Puck’s ideas, which were interesting ideas 20 years ago – now, they’re just tired old warhorses. Pasta – same thing, there’s nothing remotely Italian about these selections. “Not your Typical” Chicken Lasagna (quotation marks from the menu) is about the most honestly described menu item (if inadvertently so) as there’s nothing “typical” about chicken lasagna, ever, anytime, anywhere. We’re told that the strozzapreti pasta has a really authentic alfredo-style sauce … since when is afredo sauce “authentic?” As an experiment, the next time you’re in Italy, try ordering pasta with alfredo sauce. You’ll get looks of pure puzzlement. “Chi’e Alfredo?” (Who is this Alfredo guy?) will be the response. We pass on alfredo. Instead, our orzo is criminally overcooked, even if the scallops on it are nicely seared.

The entrées, called “Plates of the Day” (seriously, on an undated menu, no joke – how low could they go? I laughed when I saw this) are a list of New American Cooking standbys, each with at least one listed ingredient that could be construed as Italian; just enough to give it a sheen of authenticity. I found the Short Ribs Osso Bucco plate to be perfectly acceptable, tasty and satisfying – but only tangentially Italian. Braising meat does not osso bucco make.

I don’t want to give the impression that the meal we have here is bad – it is, in fact, perfectly acceptable and decent-tasting chain restaurant fare. I’ve had much worse over my checkered dining career. The issue I have with most chain restaurant menus (of which NoRTH is definitely one) is in their construction – for the sake of consistency, menu items here are designed to be seemingly idiot-proof. I suspect that if you visit one NoRTH, you’ve essentially visited them all. There is a lack of soul and vibrancy in NoRTH’s dishes – the very vibrancy and soul that animates all Italian cooking, whether from the humblest osteria to the most refined alta cucina establishment.

The wine list is disappointing … loads of wines in wide distribution, so no-one working here actually needs to actually know anything about them. Essentially, the management is letting winery advertising do their work. At least there are a few interesting things on the by-the-glass list. On the bottle list, there are more American than Italian selections, and no attempt to find tasty, under-the-radar Italian wines that would be a natural match for this cooking. Instead, it’s more of the same: Cab, Merlot, Pinot, Chards. The wine buyer here has created a colossally boring document. Why not just get t-shirts with “lazy” emblazoned on them? Or have it tattooed on your forehead? I think I’ll call this restaurant CLoNE from now on.

As I was driving home, I thought about the title to this post (all S’s idea – I take no credit for it, tho’ I find it hilarious). Does everyone remember the final big denouement in Sartre’s “Huis Clos” (No Exit) when Garçin says “l’enfer, c’ést les autres” (hell is other people)? As a former restaurateur, hell is others – especially other restaurants. I don’t have a problem with NoRTH’s obvious success, but I do with its insistence on claiming to be something it emphatically is not. This is a cynical, manipulative eatery, trading on glib sentiments. I’m not coming back anytime soon.

NoRTH: 190 Clayton Lane, Denver, CO. Overall rating: 1.0 (out of 5)

2006 Livio Felluga, Pinot Grigio, Friulia
Good complexity and length, with golden delicious apples, nectarines, minerals and a hint of nuts. Not heavy-handed or ponderous at all. Good length, very full in the mouth. (2.5-nb)

2006 Tiefenbrunner, Pinot Bianco, Alto Adige
I’ve always liked Tiefenbrunner’s wines, finding them good expressions of the Austrian-German varietals that thrive in the Alto Adige, the province that leads up to the Brenner Pass and Austria (this part of Italy is German-speaking). The Pinot Blanc shows lovely simple purity, like a well-crafted couplet, with lemon and pears on the nose and palate. Delicious. (2.5nb)

2006 Tre Donne, Arneis, Piedmont
Simple and dumb – very unexpressive. Arneis takes delicacy and a light touch in the winery to make a really good wine. This cooperative is not succeeding. (1.5nb)

2005 Bastianich, Tocai Friuliano, Friulia
Really nice flavors of honeysuckle, citrus blossoms and ripe pears. Really fills out in the mid-palate with good fruit and structure. Crisp but not shrill. (3.0-nb)

2005 Fratelli Revello, Barbera d’Alba
Loads of plums, vanilla and some earthy anise flavors. Delicious, smooth in the mouth, and with good structure. Few Barberas are agers or very complex, but this bottling shows the best qualities of this grape’s wines – freshness, fruit and plenty of acids, which make the wine super food-friendly. Nice ripe fruity finish with a touch of oak. (3.0-nb)

2005 Mauro Molino, Nebbiolo d’Alba
The Molinos live right next door to the Revellos (previous wine) and their Nebbiolo Langhe is stylistically similar – good, solid fruit (in this case, more cherries than plums, with some dark berry thrown in), framed by sweet oak and a touch of earth. I don’t think Nebbiolo-based wines are as successful when they see new wood, so I am less enamored of this bottling. Still. It is very drinkable, with a nice ripe finish and soft tannins. (2.5+nb)

2006 Elio Perrone, Moscato d’Asti
We get two glasses for dessert, and one of them is very, very different from the other. The bartender claims that they came from the same bottle – but one has almost no fizz, the other loads. The one without any mousse is slightly corked as well. We’re told they are the “same;” no effort or offer is made to replace them. We enjoy the good-tasting glass (honeyed pears, sweet peaches, melons, lime blossoms, infused with vibrant acidity), and leave the other glass. Usually Perrone is among my favorite producers of Moscato – too bad his wines are so poorly represented at NoRTH. (3.5nb)

Comments

[Mark]

Alan,

Hast to be one of THE BEST blog titles I've ever read!!! Nice job. Keep it the awesome posts.

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